People Pleasing Vs. Kindness: How to stop abandoning yourself in relationships.
What Is People-Pleasing?
People-Pleasing is a cry for acceptance and the fear that tension or friction will lead to abandonment.
When we choose to people-please we often imagine ourselves as being sacrificial, benevolent or a “good person.” There is a morality tied to being a “nice girl” or a “nice guy.” Historically women have been cast in this role but more recently I believe this is an issue across gender identities.
Signs You May Be People-Pleasing
You have difficulty saying no.
You feel guilty when you disappoint someone.
You prioritize other people's feelings over your own.
You avoid conflict even when you're hurt.
You apologize excessively.
You ignore behavior that bothers you to avoid losing someone.
You worry that setting boundaries will cause someone to leave.
You have difficulty identifying what you actually want.
Why Do People-Pleasers Have a Hard Time Saying No?
It may feel like people pleasing is a way to guarantee that a friend or that partner or that hook up stays. But it does the opposite. You are communicating a clear message of low self worth and an invitation to be walked over. I know this hot take may seem harsh but I can say it confidently bears out. In working with clients I have seen this time and time again and clinical research around relationships, attachment, and codependency consistently illustrate people pleasing or being nice is an outcropping of fear and low self worth.
People-Pleasing Is More Than Being Nice
People-pleasing is the denial of self. Pleasing people requires a sacrifice and the bigger the sacrifice the more legitimate the stance. It’s a pathway to codependence. When you sacrifice for someone and put them first, they like it, and you are rewarded with a smile, a text, a visit, or even just the approval.
Kindness communicates a care for those around you. It’s a personal value for warmth, care, and empathy. It does not require self depreciation or undue self sacrifice. It is not about getting anything in return. It can become an aspect of your personality or an everyday practice.
Where Does People-Pleasing Come From?
A pattern of people-pleasing is rarely developed in adulthood. Often it is in place as a survival skill of childhood. Those early meaningful relationships will have communicated to you that you have to earn relationships. You may have felt like you have to earn affection or attention
If you learned that affection, attention, safety, or connection had to be earned, you may have learned to carefully monitor other people's emotions and adjust yourself accordingly.
The Connection Between People-Pleasing and Attachment
These patterns of engaging with others are what helped you to survive and make it through when everything felt unsafe. We want to honor the way these habits got you through a tough time. However, they are no longer serving you and it’s time to learn a new way of relating to others.
Previous relationships may have left you with unhealthy thought patterns such as:
“If I’m good enough they will love me”
“If I don’t cause problems they will stay”
“If we have conflict they will leave me”
“Asking to get my needs met makes me ‘too much.”
You’ll notice that many of these ideas and beliefs are tied to a fear of abandonment or a fear of being alone. That is often at the core of People pleasing and it is directly attached to your attachment style. Often this behavior is tied to an anxious attachment style. Learn more about anxious attachment here:
Kindness Vs. People Pleasing
The difference between kindness and people-pleasing has a lot to do with the internal process guiding how you communicate. People-pleasing comes from a place of fear, anxiety, and denial of self. It is oriented around the other person. Kindness comes from an authentic place and it holds space for your feelings and allows room for boundaries. Kindness should not be confused with being “nice.” Being “Nice” can often be a way of justifying or masking people-pleasing behaviors.
Kindness says: “I care about you, and I also care about myself.” People-pleasing says: “I need you to be okay with me, even if it means I'm not okay.”
People-pleasing says: “I need you to be okay with me, even if it means I'm not okay.”
Setting Boundaries without Guilt
Example #1: The Cancelled Date
You had the first date and it went great. The second date has been rescheduled twice. They cancelled at the last minute. You were already dressed and ready to go and when you were in the uber on your way to the dinner spot. You get a text:
“ I’m so sorry I can’t make it. Can we try again next weekend?”
You’re disappointed and maybe even frustrated. How do you respond?
People-pleasing: “That’s okay! I know things come up. See you next weekend.”
Kindness with a Boundary: “Thank you for letting me know you can’t make it. I really did enjoy that first date but cancelling a third time on late notice isn’t going to work for me. I will take a pass on next week and I wish you all the best!”
In the first response the priority is the emotional state of the other person. You don’t want to “make them feel bad.” You make excuses that something really may have come up and life happens.. You are still hoping to have that date. You completely disregard how this cancellation makes you feel and you set a precedent that his feelings come first and you will respond to disrespect with placating their feelings.
In the second response your feelings matter. You have agency. You acknowledge that you do not appreciate the constant rescheduling and you set a standard for how you are willing to be treated. The date is not more important than your boundaries.
Example #2: The Backhanded Comment
You have a friend who likes to make sly remarks and mean comments. It doesn’t seem like they are trying to hurt your feelings but you don’t always appreciate the way they communicate about you. This friend is bright, fun, and charismatic. They are the life of the party and your tether to a larger friend group that makes you feel like you belong. You don’t want to start a fight and you don’t want to lose a friendship. I can confirm that back handed comments are an expression of that person’s insecurities however that is something for them to sort out internally, with a loved one, or with a therapist. You do not take that on and do not let that be an excuse to allow your feelings to be repeatedly hurt.
The friend says “I love that you don’t stress about looking put together. You’re such a free spirit you don’t care how others see you.”
People Pleasing: Laughing it off
OR
People Pleasing: “I know right! I seriously don’t care what others think.”
Kindness with a Boundary: “what do you mean when you say I don’t look put together?”
OR
Kindness with a Boundary: I really appreciate you calling out a strength in meaning but it hurts my feelings that you see me as not looking put together.
In this scenario, people-pleasing looks like avoiding. You disregard your feelings, laugh off the disrespect, and try to move past it. You tell yourself they didn’t mean anything by it. You are signalling to the individual that it’s okay to talk to you like that.
Kindness is caring about both yourself and the relationship. That looks like drawing attention to the hurt feelings and opening up an opportunity to repair and improve your communication. Anytime you draw a boundary you run the risk of changing or losing a relationship but you also create the opportunity to become closer, more connected, and feel valued in the places that matter the most.
TLDR: People pleasing disregard yourself for the benefit of the other. People pleasing means a lack of boundaries. Kindness expresses care for yourself and the other person. Kindness warmly stays consistent with healthy boundaries.
If you find yourself struggling with people-pleasing, setting boundaries, fear of disappointing others, or difficult relationship patterns, attachment-based therapy may be a good fit for you. Therapy can help you understand where these patterns come from, strengthen your sense of self, and learn to communicate your needs while maintaining healthy relationships.
Family Wellness Counseling provides virtual attachment-based therapy for adults throughout Illinois.
